Thanks for stopping by Tan & Wild! I decided to start a column to share my thoughts and feelings on certain topics that I'm calling "Shit Kylie Says," that will take a personal look at my advice, how to on certain topics, or just general feelings I have about life, love, relationships, food, body image and more. Tell me in the comments below if you like/dislike where I'm going here!
Here's the thing. Often times, I find that those of us in our 20's mistake a relationship with a boyfriend for something far different than a relationship with your girlfriends. Stay with me, aside from the obvious, there is not that much that should differ in the sole "relationship" aspect of these two engagements. Both should come with respect, honesty, openness, trust, and humility.
You will be wrong. You will be right. You will be a hot mess. You will be a glowing, elegant piece of work, surprise yourself even at times (damn I look good).
However, how you balance the two, is often, from what I talk about with friends - one of the most difficult things.
I've encountered some friends over the years that desperately seek male attention to the point that as soon as they receive it, I am suddenly chopped liver and left to drink alone (JK, but once they get it, it's shocking how quickly they will do something spiteful or hurtful to make sure they continue receiving the attention despite what it takes). What a sad, sad thing. But, really. For those type of women, I just have to feel sorry for you, frankly. Because I think having your close group of friends is one of the BEST, most fulfilling, rewarding feelings in the world. I envy the gals who can balance everything, because I know I also struggle with it.
But how do you actually have enough self-awarness to know if you're doing it right or doing it wrong? If you've been wanting to be in a relationship for a long time and finally enter into one, it makes sense that you'll want to spend some time with your man - girl, can't blame ya!
I, however, don't think that that should come with putting off your friends, pushing them to the side, or simply removing them from that special place they hold in your life because a new man suddenly entered it. (Or an old fling reappearing!)
Here are my tips on how to balance a relationship and your friendships
Don't Throw Away Your Friendships For your Boyfriend - That doesn't seem like it should be that hard. But a lot of women have a really hard time with this, I have, but I feel like over the past 81/2 years i've gotten pretty good at it. You don't want to say no, his friends do more things, they do more extravagant things, and they pay for you! Why wouldn't you want to do everything with them? Invite your girlfriends along with you, if they don't know your new man - this is a great opportunity for them to get to. I feel strongly that if you don't want your best girlfriends to meet your man, then it's probably not something wrong with your friends, but something wrong with your man (you girls have been in your life for years) amirite? Don't throw away those special times with your girlfriends and ONLY hang with your man. You may like "hanging out with guys more" and "have more guy friends," but you NEED intrinsically a good girlfriend in your corner.
Prioritize Girls' Night - Any good man (not immature boy) will understand the importance of girls' night. A night out drinking rose and eating appetizers can be good for the soul can't it? Or a Sunday brunch in your best "just went to yoga but I'm actually super hungover" look with all of your favorite gals - heaven! Make time for your girlfriends. It's hard to step back and think about what they might be going through as you're in this excellent phase with your man. But take a minute, think about someone else, and try to put yourselves in their shoes.
Admit when you fucked up - This i find the hardest for some people. I don't see why. I have no problem saying, 'you're right, I fucked up and I'm sorry. Can we move on and love each other again. You my girl." Some people have a very hard time with this, and that's their prerogative. But I find that honesty is always best if you did mess up. Don't skirt the issue and hide under false pretenses and fake promises. Just admit that you fucked up and try to move on. It will happen, it won't always be you, but I guarantee you'll appreciate when your best friend can come to you and say, XX, I fucked up, I'm SO sorry. here's what I learned. And can we get coffee and talk about it? Or perhaps 8 martinis instead?
Be present, and reach out first - For some reason, and I feel like this as well, sometimes we have a weird feeling about being the "first one" to reach out when there's been a fight, an awkward exchange, a weird text duel, or whatever it might be between friends. You often feel like you've 'given in' if you're the first one to text to try to resolve it. I feel like I've been taking the high road for a number of years now and while it frustrates me until i want to pull my hair out (jk my hair looks good), I NEVER feel worse later for having taken the high road. And reach out to your girlfriends first if it's been a while and they're on your mind and you haven't talked! We are all SO busy nowadays, that i often have to plan weeks and weeks in advance to see girlfriends if there isn't a wedding or some group event coming up.
Most importantly, treat your girlfriends as you would treat your boyfriend. Care about their feelings. Tell them how much you care and respect and appreciate them. Buy them random gifts just because they're a great friend. Prioritize their feelings when they take the time and effort to reach out to you. And be PRESENT when you're with them. We all have shit going on, we're all busy, and we're all a little bit self-centered, but remember, at the end of the day, you are who you surround yourself with, and while you might have a great man next to you (I know I do), I find my girlfriends are invaluable to my peace of mind.
Any other tips you'd like to share?!
Thanks for stopping by!